Recently I have realized, that to truly enjoy my life, I have to embrace my inner nerd. I resist doing things that seem “nerdy” or “dorky.” But I recognize now that when I label my actions as nerdy, I am sabotaging myself. Another part of me, which I also often repress, wants to break the rules, yearns for adventure, and enjoys pushing the limits of what’s comfortable. When I repress this inner rebel, she lashes out at my attempts at good self care with judgments like as “you are such a dork!” So I find that in order to embrace my inner nerd, I have to let my inner rebel loose too.
They say you teach what you most want to learn. Holding boundaries, having voice, saying no, or standing up for myself - is something I’ve had to work at. The weird thing (or maybe not so weird), is that I am a strong woman. I have a voice. Some even say I am intimidating. I know what I want and I go after it. I am an advocate for my beliefs. I don’t shy away from conflict. I often find myself in the position of conflict mediator.
Queen of the WorldAnd yet, when I am really honest with myself, I have trouble telling the truth when it might disappoint someone I like and respect. I have trouble saying to an esteemed colleague, “that project sounds great but my plate is too full to take it on right now.” I have had trouble saying to a boss, “It’s important for me to have a regular time I can count on to leave the office” when they habitually work late. Or to a new high stakes client, “in order for me to be successful at this, here is the budget and support I need.” And it has been hard for me in the past to say to my partner, “I want something different than you do.”