I am guessing that since you were young, you had a sense of your special gifts, but for a variety of reasons, you’ve held back. Maybe you were scared of outshining others; maybe your brilliance made some people resentful; maybe it seemed the world didn’t appreciate, need or want what you uniquely had to offer. Maybe it has been so long that you’ve shared these special gifts, you wonder if they are even still there.
Recently I have realized, that to truly enjoy my life, I have to embrace my inner nerd. I resist doing things that seem “nerdy” or “dorky.” But I recognize now that when I label my actions as nerdy, I am sabotaging myself. Another part of me, which I also often repress, wants to break the rules, yearns for adventure, and enjoys pushing the limits of what’s comfortable. When I repress this inner rebel, she lashes out at my attempts at good self care with judgments like as “you are such a dork!” So I find that in order to embrace my inner nerd, I have to let my inner rebel loose too.
They say you teach what you most want to learn. Holding boundaries, having voice, saying no, or standing up for myself - is something I’ve had to work at. The weird thing (or maybe not so weird), is that I am a strong woman. I have a voice. Some even say I am intimidating. I know what I want and I go after it. I am an advocate for my beliefs. I don’t shy away from conflict. I often find myself in the position of conflict mediator.
Queen of the WorldAnd yet, when I am really honest with myself, I have trouble telling the truth when it might disappoint someone I like and respect. I have trouble saying to an esteemed colleague, “that project sounds great but my plate is too full to take it on right now.” I have had trouble saying to a boss, “It’s important for me to have a regular time I can count on to leave the office” when they habitually work late. Or to a new high stakes client, “in order for me to be successful at this, here is the budget and support I need.” And it has been hard for me in the past to say to my partner, “I want something different than you do.”